I have stopped drinking alcohol. I have stopped smoking weed. I am eating very little sugar. I am aiming upwards. I do not act on my impulses to make things worse. I have the impulse, as I believe do all, to make things worse. To destroy. To dent someone’s car when they’ve parked badly next to you at the hospital.
There’s an upcoming poetry competition asking for three love poems. I will need to revisit the poems I wrote about my ex. I broke up with her because I didn’t think she was the woman I wanted to spend my life with. To this day, I do not know if I made the right decision. I left her and went travelling to “find myself” (I did, a little). What I do know is that I no longer regret my decision, as I have done in the past. I questioned where I might be had I stayed with her, had I really comitted. Now I tell myself I do not know where I would be had I not been travelling for the past few years, learning about life, and learning about myself.
I am ready, in short, to move on. Not that I am anxious to find my next girlfriend, though, to be certain, I am someone who needs relationships and a meaningful romantic relationship. It helps me make sense of the world, but I was afraid that I was making sense of who I was through that relationship. Now I know I have forged myself, and for good or ill, I did it alone. If you showed me the person I am now, three years ago, I don’t think I would have been surprised, but I would have been proud, and I am proud. I have been addicted to weed for 7 years on and off. Now I have finally decided not to drink and not to smoke weed for a year. I doubt that when that year is over that I will smoke weed, I may have a drink.
I want to write my novel in the next four months. Then I want to go travelling again. I want to go to Japan. I need money. There is a volunteer writing program I will sign up for. It is 12 hours a week for 12 weeks. That will eat into my time massively, but I think it will be worth doing. It sounds like meaningful work, and any writing work is good writing work. I hope I will learn much. However, I need a job which actually pays. This likely means working in a coffee shop or bar. That will eat into my time. I’m already working around 50 hours a week on my writing, not including the 8 hours a week I spend seeing my grandmother. I will make this work. I am young, strong, healthy, and I thrive when I’m busy. I will keep my body and my mind healthy. Though I’m still looking at pornographic images, that is the next thing to go. New year’s?
I will keep doing this. This is keeping me strong. If you are reading this, thank you. This is a release for me. It helps to know that someone, anyone, will see this; it’s cheaper than therapy. I am aiming up, and you are helping me do that. Thank you.
Learning About Life 